Children are gross

Now before you start attacking me for saying such a horrible thing, just hear me out! Of course children aren’t gross. Not all the time anyway. But they can be. Really gross.

I don’t know about your children, but mine definitely have had their gross moments. Fortunately, the level of grossness has definitely decreased as they have grown. This is a big relief, but also very annoying. Just when you get the handle on dealing with gross, they don’t do it as much – their timing sucks.

And with gross, timing is everything. And its usually bad timing.

Take my younger daughter just a short while ago. I bring work home (a rare occurance). I am tasked with completing an urgent telephone interview for an editorial I’m writing, and I’m on deadline. I know nothing about the prospective interviewee, other than their name and number.

Just about a minute before I’m scheduled to call the prospective interviewee, Erin proceeds to vomit all over the lounge floor. This then causes my older daughter, Megan to shriek and run outside saying “I can’t handle this.”

As a mother, though, you’re required to ‘handle this’. It’s in the fine print of the Parenting Deal. Subclause 1.3.6.ii or something like that. It reads…

 “Mothers and/or Fathers shall clean up vomit, poop, snot, and assorted bodily fluids immediately after they are expelled and without fuss. No retching allowed. Calm behaviour essential, and parental concern non-negotiable.”

Bet you didn’t spot THAT clause.

You do get immune after a while. No matter how much you are warned beforehand, those early poops for example, are pretty challenging. Not forgettting the first carrot-coloured poop after they start on solids. I’m warning you now though, the worst are the active and hungry toddler’s post-dried apricot poops. Not pleasant. ESPECIALLY if they are at the stage that they will get up and run the minute the nappy is off the bum. Apricot coloured, foul smelling, poop goop everywhere.

You learn to cope over the years, you truly do. Nobody teaches you this stuff, mind you, you just learn. Like how to handle a mountain of snot on your pillow when a little one comes in for an early morning cuddle in the middle of winter, with a blossoming cold, and proceeds to sneeze. Everywhere.

You also have to learn how to deal with the double whammy gross out, which happens when you have two kids at the same time. Let me give you an example. Child 1 is in the bath. You’re undressing Child 2 to get her into the bath too. You hadn’t noticed that Child2 had filled the nappy until the contents drop out during the undressing phase. It goes everywhere. Child 1 notices immediately, and proceeds to puke in the bath.

At this point, they are both screaming, and everything in the bathrooms smells of  poop, vomit or both. There is only one option for the parent at this stage.

Laugh.

Yep, that’s it. Laugh. There’s nothing else for it at that moment. Sure, you’ll have to follow the rule of Subclause 1.3.6.ii, and clean up  the poop, the vomit, the  kids and the bathroom, but you are allowed to have a laugh first.

It may be a painful, agonised laugh, but remember this… Your children will grow up one day, become parents themselves and they too will have to deal with Subclause 1.3.6.ii.  Revenge is sweet.

May the gross be with you, but not on you.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Caryn
    Mar 22, 2011 @ 10:19:59

    You laugh – and in some cases I know – my sister in law takes photos – then laughs … then cleans up.

    There have to be some perks to being parents.

    Reply

  2. Asma Zafar
    Mar 22, 2011 @ 18:50:08

    Interesting reading Mandy, enjoyed it thoroughly! And what utter grossness 😉
    But we all do adore those darlings despite these poops and vomits!!

    Reply

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